Alex
Constantine
Alex Constantine
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Conspiracy Theory Encephalopods are Deranged and Really have
the Bollocks
By Donald "Ho"
Constantine
Last night, my ten-year-old daughter was sitting at the kitchen
table, fixated on the Internet.
I sat quietly by reading my Bible. She turned to me and asked,
"Daddy, did commie awiens from the Dawg Star
shoot Pwesident Kennedy with a Qewban-manufacuwed pawtikel
accewewator?"
"Why do you ask, Caroline," I said, somewhat lost in moral
reflection.
"What are you read ... " I peered over her shoulder - you know what
I saw - one of those crazy,
lunatic conspiracy web sites that claims the CIA spies on people
and Nixon was a fascist.
"That's just a silly conspiracy theory, sweetheart," I said. "It's
an immutable stricture of our dual sensate nature
that there exists in this chaotic world sad, pathetic, wrong-headed
people who simply won't accept
the official explanation for human events, like the murder of the
socialist John Kennedy."
"Not awien Castwo
cwones?"
"No. According to the Vincent Bugliosi, who knows all about
it, it was an employee
at the Dallas school book depository who shot Kennedy.
His name was Lee Harvey Oswald."
Caroline asked, "Where was Oswald when the Pwesident was shot?"
He was having a Coke.
"What??"
"It's a little-known fact that the communist Lee Harvey Oswald was
an Olympic sprinter. He could run the mile in about 32
seconds.
That bad man Oswald shot Kennedy with a cheap Soviet rifle
from the sixth floor, and high-tailed it down the the third
floor
for a Coke. He was pretty thirsty after killing the president and
running around like that."
"Daddy, you're smart!"
"Wasn't even breathing hard. The man was gifted. He hit Kennedy
with a magic bullet that reversed
direction inside Kennedy's body, ricocheted off his collar-bone,
shot out his left shoulder,
headed down to rip through Governor Connally's wrist ... "
"Hawwy Potter can do that!" Caroline said. "Then what happened to
the Magic buwwet?"
"Well, it tried to leave the country on a turbo jet ... "
My daughter is naive, even retarded, but even with her fine
European, upper-class genes,
she was vulnerable to the seduction of the conspiracy theory. You
know what I mean - those silly,
ridiculous fairy tales woven in psycho-nutcase factories by paid
agents of Osama bin Laden.
I try to laugh them off, but they're really aggravating. Like the
one that claims the IRS does tax
audits. I've been paying taxes for 30 years and have never been
audited.
The IRS has THREATENED to audit me, sure, many times, but a call to
Orrin Hatch took care of that.
I told him he'd NEVER be on my show again if he didn't
intercede, and sure enough,
the bastards backed off. So if a simple phone call to your local
Senator can gutter an audit,
how intimidating can the IRS be? Obsequious pussies, the lot of
them.
But I've heard it all - break-in at the Watergate. Cover-up? Right.
Iran-contra ... heroes. Martin Luther King?
So oversexed - he was in it for the dames - so oversexed that the
salacious civil rights leader fell right over,
but government liberals said it was James Earl Ray to protect
his reputation
and discredit the South in the Civil War at the same time.
Socialist Canada too.
Conspiracy lunatics have an answer for everything. So many examples
...
"Daddy," my girl said. She was gazing at a photo of Robert Kennedy,
laid out prostrate by Sirhan's bullet.
"This man from Navy Intewwigence says tha' Svador Allewende and
Jane Fonda shot Wobewt Kennedy."
"Oh, fer Christ ... will you get off ... crazy. What will the next
juvenile fixation be, pray tell:
beastiality? I told you, that's a conspiracy theory. Crazy
bunk."
"What's beastiawi ... "
"Carnal knowledge of hirsute quadrapeds."
"Oh ... "
"Speaking of which, I've about had it with your insipid conspiracy
hallucinations."
I handed her copies of of Immanuel Kant's Prolegemana to any Future
Dialectic and Pure Reason. "Here.
Enough wading through speculative, drooly sanitariums of fantasy
political intrigue. Read these."
She switched off the computer and turned to Kant.
What was my reward for saving this child from a life of arbitrary
and capricious confabulations?
More questions.
Some people insist on asking questions, but I never thought I'd
give birth to one.
A few minutes later, I looked up from Revelations to find my
daughter pieing me.
"What is it?" I asked.
"If evewy event must have a cause, as Kant's empiwical weasonging
insists,
then it is a twanscendental argwewment - pwoving a synthetic a
pwiowi claim - that
the Wowold Twade Center collapsed accowding to the official
expwnation."
"BS, sweetheart." Kids - heh - real amateurs in the abstract
thought department.
Know what I mean?
"Honey, a transcendental argument sets out to prove an a priori
conclusion
about the necessary structure of knowledge on the basis of an
incontrovertible mental
act - 'There are objects that exist in space and time outside of
me,'
he observes - but these don't live out your stupid CONSPIRACY
THEORIES!
We exist - they don't!"
Caroline looked at me for a second, scratched her belly and quietly
turned back to her Kant.
More like it. With enough discipline and rational role models in
her life, she'll come out just fine.
JFK
assassination book claims to finally solve the mystery. -
Kennedy
Revelation of the Method and the Murder of Spirit
Iran/Contra
Connections to 9/11
Operation
Able Danger
Shocking 9/11 Revelations
Operation Mockingbird - 9/11 Review
Mockingbirds Cannistraro and McGovern - CIA - iran
contra
Iran-Contra - 9/11Encyclopedia
United
93' Promotes 9/11 Govt Conspiracy Theory
Conspiracy Of Silence - 9/11 Review
Bush contributors - lobbyists finance
Reagan-Files - 9/11Encyclopedia
The Schmitz Family - A Key Nazi Connection to
9/11
Secret
Spanish Government report Mentions CIA’s Alliance
With ETA in Assassination Plot
Madrid
Keys To A Conspiracy - 9-11 Review
New
Qaeda-Linked Group Gains Foothold in Somalia, ICG says
Witnesses
in Terror Trial Threatened HAMBURG, Germany 9/11
The conspirators with
borrowed
names blended in, trading one seedy room for the next. They took
flying lessons--and plotted.
the Deaths of Princess Diana Spencer and Dodi
Al-Fayed 9/11 and
Atta
The
Bluegrass Conspiracy Patsy
john
lennon assassination?
make
a statement
political art
at 911review.org
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